Art dnevnici: Priča iz davnine

By | 03-05-2021
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Anđela Mijić, autorica teksta

Kuća je velika, a prazna. Stoji na temeljima od stakla, a njezina krhkost proteže se sve do potkrovlja. Katkada mi se čini da je koliba na vjetrometini o koju sve udara, kraj koje svaki prolaznik zastaje iako ne bi trebao. Neke kuće osvajaju vanjštinom, a neke nutrinom. Moja je kuća mamila zavidne poglede koji su se svim silama trudili uvući u njezinu nutrinu ne bi li otkrili što se nalazi iza lijepih majčinih zavjesa. Svi su gledali, ali nitko nije vidio da je to kuća od stakla. Hodam po podu zaboravljajući da vidim kroz njega, držim se za zidove koji gotovo pa da i ne postoje, skrivam se u potkrovlju, nitko ne zna. Ondje leži maleni drveni konj mog djetinjstva, tužan i lijep, vječno nedokučive žalosti na svojemu licu. Takvoga konja nikada ne bismo trebali poklanjati djeci. Njihovo lice s godinama poprimi izraz lica tog konja koji zatim ostane ondje kao da im je oduvijek pripadao. Tapkam u mraku, staklo kvrca, konjić se ljulja, vrata lupaju, majka viče, ne, majko, nismo rođeni na brodu. Možda bi bilo lakše biti rođen na brodu, usred oceana, plavetnila koje ne traži ništa osim života. Možda bi bilo lakše lutati svijetom kao dijete broda negoli biti čovjek kopna s licem drvenog konjića i rukama od stakla. Moje meso blijedi, staklo se širi mojim žilama kao Trnoružičino vreteno što vreba je po dvorcu ne bi li se konačno ubola.

Voljela bih da je ovo bajka iz koje se mogu probuditi jer bajke nisu uvijek lijepe i ne znače samo ono što se čita djeci. Moje su bajke Priče iz davnine, strašna prostranstva i strašna bića slavenske mitologije. Tapkam u mraku, staklo kvrca, konjić se ljulja, čujem u vjetru vile Zatočnice i njihove bjesomučne poklike, pokušavam zatvoriti vrata, ne uspijevam, stvari se vrte u zraku, stvari se približavaju, stvari se vrte oko mene, stvari, stvari, stvari… vrisnem! Voljela bih da je staklo puklo, da se kuća pretvorila u sitnu prašinu, ali ona i dalje stoji čvrsto na vjetrometini, neumorno i neumoljivo, izazivajući u meni mučninu pri svakom dužem boravku u njoj. Učim hodati po staklu tako da se ono ne čuje, ne škripi i ne odaje moje korake do potkrovlja. Možda i nije lako razumjeti potrebu za osamom i promatranjem s vrha malenoga prozora, možda i nije lako razumjeti maleno biće koje ima lice drvenog konjića, koje se ljulja i ljulja nekim tajnim prostranstvima života tragajući za istinom i smislom. Dodirujem zidove, osluškujem njihove glasove, vidim njihove siluete kroz prozirnost stakla. U mojoj glavi hodaju po prostorijama, vječno zarobljeni kućom. Jesam li i ja njihov zarobljenik? Tko je ovdje spavao prije mene? Mučnina se prelijeva mojim prsima. Plačem kao dijete koje nikad nije imalo drvenog konjića. Kroz staklene zidove ne čuje se plač. Mi se samo gledamo, ali se nikada uistinu ne vidimo. Grlim plišane igračke i po stoti put ih slažem po policama tako da svaka plišana igračka ima dovoljno mjesta. Boli me kada plišane igračke ne mogu disati. Skrivam se ispod stola. Gledam u čudne naljepnice. Zašto sam dijete koje se plaši? Zašto sam dijete koje se skriva? Tapkam niz stepenice. Tako se glasno čujem! Gledam lance na staroj murvi i ne bježim. Glasovi u noći pomahnitalo slijede naše korake, ali ja stojim! Sestra me hvata za ruku, trči! Trčim kroz zidove!

Zašto je kuća odjednom puna ljudi? Zašto ne smijem tapkati niz stepenice? Virim kroz prozor i gledam gomilu koja je došla vidjeti staklenu kuću. Prilika za zavirivanje ne propušta se. Zamračujem se i plačem. Gdje je mama dok ja plačem? Zašto je rastežu ljudi koje ne poznajem? Zašto me svi vide kroz zidove? Što rade ovdje? I kada misle otići? Šetam po kući, sama i izgubljena. Nema nikoga da me zagrli. Molim Oče naš i Zdravo Mariju. Tražim čuda. Drveni konjić ljulja se u potkrovlju, sam od sebe, sve jače i jače. Počinjem trčati tražeći izlaz! Staklo je tako prozirno. Mogla bih proći kroz njega! Sjedam na pod i ponovno plačem. Žedna sam. Ne mogu otvoriti vrata. Jedva ulazim u sobu. Staklena špina stoji nasred sobe. Sav moj namještaj nestao je. Što je ovo? Kako? Tako sam žedna! Otvaram špinu i naginjem glavu pod nju kako bih se spasila. Voda je čista, hladna i lijepa, kao s kakvog izvora. Lakomo pijem kao da nisam pila čitavu vječnost. Najednom, voda me zapljuskuje, u moja usta udaraju mravi, roj mušica i prljavština.

Pljujem, ali ne mogu pljunuti. Dišem, ali ne mogu disati. Vrištim, ali ne mogu vrištati. Povraćam prljavštinu, a razina vode u mojoj sobi raste i pretvara se u močvaru. Kuća od stakla neće izdržati! Otvaram prozore, mahnito pokušavam svojim rukama izbaciti vodu, sve se prelijeva, siluete ne napuštaju brod, štakori se ne pojavljuju, nitko me ne spašava… vodostaj dolazi do mojih usta i osuđena sam progutati prljavštinu. Iako otvoren, prozor zadržava vodu i nema mi spasa. Ponovno vrištim iz svega glasa, ali nitko me ne čuje! Samo drveni konjić pomiče oči u mome smjeru, ali ni on se ne može pomaknuti.

U redu je, konjiću, bit ćemo ponovno kao djeca, sami, odjahat ćemo u neka ljepša prostranstva u kojima nećemo imati tužan pogled. Molim te, molim te, pomakni se, makar nekako, i dođi da se utopiš sa mnom! Ne želim umrijeti sama. Kuća od stakla tako je prazna. Zašto voda ne izlazi iz moje sobe? Požuri, konjiću, požuri! Mravi grickaju moje dječje prstiće, mušice hvataju moje ruke, prljavština prekriva moje tijelo… Što ću ako mi ni ti ne dođeš? Konjiću, voda je prešla moja usta. Moj nosić nije daleko od njih! Vidim te kroz staklo… Samo se nagni nizbrdo. Možda uspiješ probiti zidove! Jedini ti i nitko drugi. Konjiću, možda uspiješ razbiti staklo! Možda uspiješ sve pretvoriti u prah! Molim te, nemoj odustati od mene! Voljela bih još jednom čuti Bratca Jaglenca i sestricu Rutvicu! Voljela bih jednom moći biti spašena! Znam da moje lice ima tvoj tužan pogled plemenitog drvenog konja. Znam da nismo Pinocchio. Znam da nemam ni Geppetta ni dobru vilu. Ali možemo se ljuljati. Možemo se ljuljati!

Kada nas pogledaju, ne znaju da sam ja drveni konj, a ti čovjek. Ne znaju da tapkam po staklenim podovima tražeći način da ih odrvenim. Ne znaju da gledam kroz staklene zidove u siluete trudeći se učiniti ih pravim ljudima. Ne znaju da još sam dijete zatočeno u kući od stakla. Ne znaju da djelići nas stoje u vremenu, vječno ondje gdje smo ih ostavili. Ne znaju da s godinama ti djelići ulaze u naš krvotok, da staklo probija žile i širi se poput otrova. Kada zatvorim oči, kuća od stakla ljulja se na vjetru. Voda je došla do mog nosića. Ali drveni konjić ne dolazi.

Tekst je nastao u sklopu tečaja kreativnog pisanja “Srce ispunjeno tintom”.

Članak možete prokomentirati na našoj FB stranici:

Skupina kreativnih ljudi odvažila se na zajedničko putovanje istraživanja vlastitih potencijala za stvaranje. Putujući…

Objavljuje Psihološki prostorUtorak, 4. svibnja 2021.

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  49. Rod

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